Lines Matching refs:a

4 Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
10 We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
14 What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
29 Confucius say... don't play leapfrog with a unicorn.
40 Confucius say... man who sleep like a baby doesn’t have one.
44 A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.
49 Confucius say... man in bathroom with tool in hand is not necessarily a plumber.
54 I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
57 If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
66 USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of…
71 Man who goes to bed with an itchy butt wakes up with a stinky finger!
74 Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
75 Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
80 Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
84 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
89 Two fish were in a tank. One said "You man the guns, I'll drive!".
108 Think honk if you're a telepath.
123 … this soldier, Guiseppe? 	  Everything he says is wrong. GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency,…
127 …n them up or jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a manner that they fun…
129 Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. <BR>…
133 A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and …
134 The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop and take a rest.
136 ... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. <BR>	-- H. L. Me…
138 With a rubber duck, one's never alone. <BR>	-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
142 Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. <BR>	-- Freud
144 Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
147 Peace, n.:     In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. <BR>…
148 Earth is a beta site.
150 All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
152 A wife lasts as long as a marriage, an ex-wife for ever.
155 F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
158 Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. <BR>	-- Ashle…
159 If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person. <BR>	-- Unknown
162 The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."…
188 Here is a test to see if your mission on earth is finished. If you are alive, it isn't. <BR>	-- Fra…
196 To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it. <BR>	-- G.K. Chest…
201 Time is a versatile performer. It flies, marches on, heals all wounds, runs out, and will tell. <BR…
205 If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere. <BR>	-- Frank A. Clark
211 You're never a loser until you quit trying. <BR>	-- Mike Ditka
212 You can't run a society or cope with its problems if people are not held accountable for what they …
217 To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. <BR>	-- George MacDonald
222 Not the fastest horse can catch a word spoken in anger. <BR>	-- Chinese Proverb
223 If I were to begin life again, I should want it as it was. I would only open my eyes a little more.…
224 The more a man knows, the more he forgives. <BR>	-- Catherine the Great
225 When a deep injury is done us, we never recover until we forgive. <BR>	-- Alan Paton
227 You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. <BR>…
231 There's no point in burying the hatchet if you're going to put up a marker on the site. <BR>	-- Syd…
235 Pay no attention to what the critics say. A statue has never been erected in honor of a critic. <BR…
236 You cannot train a horse with shouts and expect it to obey a whisper. <BR>	-- Dagobert D. Runes
240 When you are in deep water, it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut. <BR>	-- St. Louis Tribune
245 A perfect wife is one who doesn't expect a perfect husband. <BR>	-- Anonymous
252 A pedestal is as much a prison as any small space. <BR>	-- Gloria Steinem
258 If you cannot feed a hundred people, then feed just one. <BR>	-- Mother Teresa
261 You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do. <BR>	-- Henry Ford
262 The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones. <BR>	-- Chinese Proverb
267 Lawyers on opposite sides of a case are like the two parts of shears; they cut what comes between t…
268 The society that scorns excellence in plumbing because plumbing is a humble activity and tolerates …
269 Happiness is not a reward - it is a consequence. Suffering is not a punishment - it is a result. <B…
273 Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences. No one can eliminate prejudices - just recognize the…
279 We can forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid o…
281 …ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything i…
287 When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. <BR>	-- U.S. Grant
289 If we are ever in doubt about what to do, it is a good rule to ask ourselves what we shall wish on …
292 The heart of a fool is in his mouth, but the mouth of the wise man is in his heart. <BR>	-- Benjami…
301 An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a narrow field. <BR>	-- Niel…
305 The difference between a hero and a coward is one step sideways. <BR>	-- Gene Hackman
307 Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain sex to a virgin. <BR>	-- Robert …
310 The difference between a coward and a brave man is usually a matter of timing. <BR>	-- Robert Heinl…
312 …cond Law, which I figured out one afternoon with the assistance of a calculator and a six-pack of …
316 A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. <BR>	-- Mark Twa…
319 If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal …
321 In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was a boy and one…
322 It takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
326 Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is because we are not the person …
328 If a million people belive in a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. <BR>	-- Anatole France
331 If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose t…
333 Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, usin…
334 Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
335 …h as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in …
337 When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can ke…
340 I must find the oaf who did this thing, explain to him his offense, give him a chance to apologize,…
342 Never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. Then when you do judge him, you'll be a …
343 They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty…
348 A bus stops at a bus station; a train stops at a train station. On my desk I have a workstation...
349 A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lo…
352 A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
353 A gnab gib is a big bang in reverse. <BR>	-- Douglas Adams
355 A legend is a lie that has attained the dignity of age. <BR>	-- H.L. Mencken
358 A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tyres.
360 May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
362 It's a shame about youth; it's wasted on the young. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
363 Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
365 The right word may be effective -- but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause. <BR>…
366 Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid…
368 …l business signs to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a word, as in: WE DO N…
370 …rnating current, which means that the electricity goes in one direction for a while, then goes in …
372 Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into a even smaller hole, with weapons singula…
380 We have a word for our enlarged capacity to postpone the acknowledgment of error: we call it "plann…
383 Government has never been the answer unless it's a really screwball question. <BR>	-- Daniel J Mitc…
387 A panelist on "Think Tank" once described Washington, DC as "a place holding all the answers".
395 People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is putting up …
396 The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time... the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
399 If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damned fool about it.
404 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question…
405 I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house. <BR…
410 The media are less a window on reality than a stage on which officials and journalists perform self…
411 To count is a modern practice, the ancient method was to guess. <BR>	-- Dr. Johnson
419 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
421 Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can t…
423 Philosophy 101: If a man speaks in the woods, and a woman is not there to hear him, is he still wro…
425 In Manhattan, traffic lights are not a rule, just a suggestion. <BR>	-- David Letterman
426 Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your …
428 Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
429 It is a scientifically proven fact that not wearing socks helps people think in hexadecimal.
434 The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate…
442 A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and …
445 This week's theme: words to drop into conversations with a therapist.
446 …hts the good dog all the time.' When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment and replied, …
457 If you can't answer a man's argument, all is not lost... you can still call him vile names. <BR>	--…
458 …. the more delightful we can imagine it to be. It is a little like the difference between meeting …
459 Sloppy language leads to sloppy thinking, which leads to a career in education. <BR>	-- DMN
461 …sly wrong simply because life is far too short for us to think through even a small fraction of th…
463 …ce they employ aims at turning men into a manipulable 'animated instrument' which is Aristotle's d…
466 If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doub…
468 Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And ain't that a big enough majority in any town?…
469 An individual's reality model can be right or wrong, complete or incomplete. As a rule it will be b…
472 …siness is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run fre…
477 Democracy: Three wolves and a sheep vote on what to have for dinner.
480 …a meeting, "If economists wished to study the horse, they wouldn't go and look at horses. They'd s…
485 The only way to do better than somebody else, or more importantly than the market, is to have a way…
486 The study of history is a powerful antidote to contemporary arrogance. It is humbling to discover h…
487 …or over-indulgent. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot m…
488 …uild a desirable social order like a mosaic, by selecting whatever particular parts we like best, …
490 If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is the man who has so much as to be out of danger?  <BR>	…
493 Words must be a little wild, for they are the assaults of thought on the unthinking. <BR>	-- John M…
497 We are not here to sell a parcel of boilers and vats, but the potentiality of growing rich beyond t…
500 Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. <BR>	-- Lewis Gr…
503 A camel is a horse designed by a committee.
505 A dream is just a dream. A goal is a dream with a plan and a deadline. <BR>	-- Harvey Mackay
511 A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.
513 An angry person is seldom reasonable; a reasonable person is seldom angry.
514 An army of deer led by a lion is more to be feared than an army of lions led by a deer.
515 An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
516 Any car will last a lifetime - if you are careless enough.
517 Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. <BR>	-- Albert Einstein
520 A real patriot is someone who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.
523 Being right is highly overrated. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
524 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. <BR>	-- Abraham …
526 Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day of your life. <BR>	-- Confucius
530 Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
535 Hating someone is like burning down your house to get rid of a rat.
542 He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes...
543 He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. <BR>	-- Chi…
544 He who breaks a thing to find out what it is, has left the path of wisdom. <BR>	-- J. R. R. Tolkien
546 History is a set of lies agreed upon by the victors.
547 I am the master of my unspoken words, and a slave to those that should have remained unspoken. <BR>…
548 …any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great …
549 I asked Mum if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
552 If A is a success in life, then A equals X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z is keeping yo…
554 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
557 If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace... you are amon…
559 If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur. <…
561 I have learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while…
562 …e left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
567 In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock.
573 Laughter is like changing a baby's nappy. It doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes t…
582 Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one!
583 Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
587 Never wrestle with a pig. You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
598 Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
604 The definition of a recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you loose y…
607 The mind is like a parachute, it's no good unless it's open!
617 The only place you can win a football game is on the field. The only place you can lose it is in yo…
622 Atheism is a non-prophet organization. <BR>	-- George Carlin
624 If a deaf boy swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?  <BR>	-- George Carlin
634 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
635 We treat this world of ours as though we had a spare in the trunk.
636 What do Microsoft Windows and a handgun have in common?  Both are harmless while not loaded.
641 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & dri…
642 When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man ar…
643 Don't be so humble - you are not that great. <BR>	-- Golda Meir (1898-1978), to a visiting diplomat
644 It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man. <BR>	-- Scott Elledge, on his …
648 Give me a museum and I'll fill it. <BR>	-- Pablo Picasso (1881-1973)
649 Plato was a bore. <BR>	-- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
651 You proceed from a false assumption: I have no ego to bruise. <BR>	-- Spock, Star Trek II: The Wrat…
654 Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think that you are facing a contradiction, check your pre…
655 I have no data yet. It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins …
657 317 is a prime, not because we think so, or because our minds are shaped in one way rather than ano…
658 Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems. <BR>	-- R…
659 …ut you believe both of them, thinking that somewhere, hidden, there must be a third thing that con…
660 A problem well stated is a problem half solved. <BR>	-- Charles Franklin Kettering (1876-1958)
664 A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation. <BR>	-- H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)
671 …eginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded…
680 Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. <BR>	-- Woody Allen
686 In a boat at sea one of the men began to bore a hole in the bottom of the boat. On being remonstrat…
689 I think it would be a good idea. <BR>	-- Mahatma Ghandi (1869-1948), when asked what he thought of …
691 NEW YORK, NY. A man was knocked down by a car and got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of t…
694 What do you take me for, an idiot?;  <BR>	-- General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journali…
696 It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be i…
703 Better to light a candle than curse the darkness. <BR>	-- Chinese Proverb
704 Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. <BR>	-- Proverb
705 A pint of sweat saves a gallon of blood. <BR>	-- George S. Patton (1885-1945), US Army General
706 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. <BR>	-- Unknown
708 …cause you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian. <BR>	-- …
709 I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. <BR>	-- Gore Vidal
711 Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. <BR>	-- C. G. Jung (1875-1961)
713 Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
714 The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
716 In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worsh…
721 I would like to be able to admire a man's opinions as I would his dog, without being expected to ta…
723 The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.…
727 Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. <BR>	-- H. G. Wells (1866-1946)
729 Happiness is good health and a bad memory. <BR>	-- Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)
731 Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
736 There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. <BR>	-- Ken Olson, president, chairm…
737 I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. <BR>	-- Thomas Watson (1874-1956), Chairm…
738 The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a `C', the idea must b…
747 Destiny is not a matter of change, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it…
752 Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is no…
756 When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. <BR>	-- Abraham Ma…
758 You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. <BR>	-- Al Capone …
759 Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd. <BR>	-- Will…
762 …ngs have gotten totally out of control. Chris Faber: "Well you see, war has a tendency to do that,…
763 A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. <BR>	-- Joseph Stalin (1879-1953)
766 When a man is wrapped up in himself he makes a pretty small package. <BR>	-- John Ruskin (1819-1900)
767 I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need. <BR>	-- Rodin (1840-1917), when aske…
772 Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century. <BR>	-- Perelman
775 Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done. <BR>	-- Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855), when informe…
778 …erfumes that smell like flowers?  Men don't like flowers. I've been wearing a great new scent. It'…
779 …ou the car has water in the carburetor." Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll …
781 Wisdom has two parts: 1) having a lot to say; and 2) not saying it.
782 Wisdom is a comb given to a man once he is bald. (Irish proverb)
785 Woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.<BR>HIM: "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in wo…
787 Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you many never owe.
800 Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
805 To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know, I've done it a thousand times. <…
806 …tails of his anatomy from head to foot, and ended by saying such a laugh was money in a man's pock…
807 I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
809 A classic is a book which people praise and don't read. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
816 A man with a new idea is a crank until he succeeds. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
817 Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an oppo…
821 …a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli. Fainali, xe…
822 …ight word. Whenever we come upon one of those intensely right words in a book or a newspaper the r…
823 A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his …
827 Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
831 Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. …
835 Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
837 Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
838 Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
842 Happiness ain't a thing in itself -- it's only a contrast with something that ain't pleasant... And…
843 History may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme a lot. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
845 …there is no ingredient of the race which I do not possess in either a small way or a large way. <B…
846 I believe I have no prejudices whatsoever. All I need to know is that a man is a member of the huma…
849 I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
850 I don't know of a single foreign product that enters this country untaxed, except the answer to pra…
851 …ls could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare gr…
861 I have not a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming vices. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
863 I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. <…
865 I never could tell a lie that anybody would doubt, nor a truth that anybody would believe. <BR>	-- …
867 I respect a man who knows how to spell a word more than one way. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
868 …Also, sinful. If a man should challenge me now I would go to that man and take him kindly and forg…
870 It is discouraging to try and penetrate a mind like yours. You ought to get it out and dance on it.…
877 Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True…
879 Man is the only creature who has a nasty mind. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
884 … be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion a child's loss of a doll and a king's loss of…
886 …de the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with a cat it would improve…
891 … to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it w…
893 Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. …
896 Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
897 …ight word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. <BR>	…
899 …iendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a who…
902 The jury system puts a ban upon intelligence and honesty and a premium upon ignorance, stupidity an…
903 …quent silence, that geometrically progressive silence, which often achieves a desired effect where…
907 …form of the story does not present itself. There is only one right form for a story and if you fai…
909 There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when…
910 There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy's life that he has a raging desire to go somewh…
912 There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
914 …ng about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment …
921 Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with…
924 Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
926 …ed. Jim said the Moon could'a laid them; Well, that looked kind of reasonable so I didn't say noth…
928 We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only ma…
929 We have not the reverent feeling for the rainbow that a savage has, because we know how it is made.…
930 …at sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again and that is well…
931 …o smallest atom of our moral, mental, or physical structure can stand still a year. It grows - it …
935 When you ascend the hill of prosperity, may you not meet a friend. <BR>	-- Mark Twain
941 You can't break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You've got to walk it slowly down the st…
943 …a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, …
944 You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you…
945 When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution an…
952 …s, states the IRS booklet, are (1) 'failure to include a current address' and (2) 'failure to be a…
954 …a large place located way the hell past Canada, but this proved to be highly inconvenient for mapm…
956 The Second Amendment states that, since a well-regulated militia is necessary to the security of a …
957 …de your house. "You troops are just going to have to sleep on the patio" is a perfectly constituti…
959 …he Sixth Amendment states that if you are accused of a crime, you have the right to a trial before…
962 The Mayans were constructing a culture down in Mexico featuring a calander so advanced that it can …
964 Every morning you should take a vitamin D pill, followed by an E, until you've spelled the healthfu…
967 …a) you only have to do it once every four years, and (b) you have an armed motorcycle escort, so i…
968 … was once ancient Sumeria recently found the remains of a primitive stone jockstrap. This goes a l…
969 …a column that says: "The Middle East! Ha ha!  What a bunch of boogerheads!"  No, there is a lot mo…
970 …Before you criticize a man's collection of columns, walk a mile in his moccasins, bearing in mind …
972 I've determined that we have a worldwide exploding-thing epidemic on our hands, and until further n…
975 …resulting in a total annual world cow methane output of 50 million metric TONS. (Campers: This is …
976 Clearly what is called for is a federal task force, ideally headed by Dan Quayle, who seems to have…
977 …ffer through seven years of war, plagues, famines, and sitting in a small room while a man named "…
978 …a wildlife official as saying that great horned owls "regularly" attack people. "They have very po…
982 The metric conversion was clearly a good idea, and when the government started putting up metric hi…
983 Anybody who has ever seen a photograph showing the kind of damage that a trout falling at such a hi…
985 Disney World is a place where your dreams really do come true, if you dream about having people wea…
986 I think the people wearing enormous cartoon-animal heads at Disney World are part of a corporate di…
988 …en to be domestically impaired. If we were birds, our nest would consist of a single twig with the…
989 …enables the child to develop a sense of self-worth by mastering a complex, demanding task that mak…
990 The typical Nintendo game involves controlling a little man who runs around on the screen trying to…
991 …highly suicidal. If he can't locate a hostile force to get killed by, he will deliberately swallow…
992 …a boat into a carport is, if you turn your car wheels to the right ("starboard"), the boat trailer…
993 … killed, we returned home to spend a carefree evening washing our hull. You have to do this becaus…
994 We wanted to have a relaxing family vacation, so we got together with two other families and rented…
995 We hired a local captain for the first afternoon of our cruise to demonstrate the finer points of s…
996 …a basic rule of seamanship that everybody's clothes have to be wet all the time. If there's no win…
997 The key to a successful Summer Vacation Adventure is preperation. For example, if you're planning a…
998 Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching …
1000 Recently my family and I spent a week in London, which is a popular foreign place to visit because …
1001 The British have a lot of trouble with pronunciation, because they can't move their jaw muscles, be…
1003 …o-see cars about the size of toaster ovens. The best way to handle this, as a tourist, is to remai…
1004 … ocean in primitive canoes, braving violent storm-tossed seas for months at a time. My family and …
1006 …a new, redesigned $20 bill. This is part of an anti-counterfeiting program to redesign all of our …
1010 …atic Oath: "And I swear by my Lexus that if a person comes into my office for any reason, whether …
1011 Everybody should have a pet. And I'm not saying this just because the American Pet Council gave me …
1012 …a large enthusiastic bulletproof species of dog made entirely of synthetic materials. This is the …
1013 For sheer hostility in a pet, you can't beat a parrot. I base this statement on a parrot I knew nam…
1015 Guys are biologically capable of keeping track of a huge number of TV programs simultaneously by ch…
1016 Women, because of a tragic genetic flaw, feel compelled to watch only ONE PROGRAM AT A TIME, the wa…
1017 There was a survey in which researchers asked tourists how come they didn't want to come back to Ne…
1018 …l-quality suit with no visible ketchup stains, I feel as though I'm wearing a Hefty trash bag. And…
1019 …times tend to be cynical, I could not help but be deeply moved, as a journalist and a human being,…
1020 …a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera. The one time I did sit through one, it lasted a…
1024 …a car with a "5.7 liter engine": This means that when it breaks, you should not ask your mechanic …
1025 …a grim era that was filmed entirely in black and white. The nation needed a very small unit of mon…
1027 …proving once againthat when the American people decide to "get involved" in a problem, it is best …
1028 …eading between the lines, I detected a certain amount of hostility in these entries, especially th…
1030 …a literary device. WEAK: "Detective Jake Turmoil slowly opened the door to the killer's room."  ST…
1031 IRS HUMOR EXAMPLE: "A lawyer, a doctor, and a priest were marooned on a desert island. So we consif…
1032 English spelling is unusual because our language is a rich verbal tapestry woven together from the …
1034 …spaper, and the odds are you'll get ink smeared all over your hands. We use a special kind of easy…
1037 … about things like the 1978 World Series, you would find, deep down inside, a passionate, heartfel…
1038 …ne, he forgets who he's calling, so when somebody answers, Gene has to ask (a) who it is, and (b) …
1039 Today's man knows that he's supposed to be a sensitive and caring relationship partner, and he's ma…
1040 …e should have been. Here in South Florida we have a special name for this kind of spider: We call …
1041 …a neighborhod that we are pretty sure is occupied by drug dealers, as indicated by subtle signs su…
1042 If you're looking for a sport that offers both of the Surgeon General's Two Recommended Key Element…
1043 I love to bowl. I even belong to a bowling team, the Pin Worms. How good are we?  I don't wish to b…
1044 On planes, I always take a window seat, because I want to know if a wing falls off. The pilot would…
1046 …usually as a result of being eaten by their mates immediately following copulation. Guys outside t…
1047 …a bunch of things that happened in the past."  His point was that human civilization is a journey,…
1048 …. The occasion was marked by feasting, dancing, and the public beheading of a whiny, tedious group…
1049 …a "ladder-type" of organizational structure, similar to Amway. You started out on the bottom rung,…
1050 …r many harrowing weeks at sea during which they almost perished, discovered a new land. It turned …
1051 …hich was then under King Edward III, who had vowed to kill any monarch with a higher Roman numeral…
1052 …e the punishment for just about every infraction including jousting without a permit. By the 1430s…
1053 …rank-loving Vikings, who had discovered America 300 years earlier, had left a sign that said "WELC…
1055 …I", "Richard III", "Richard III Strikes Back" and "Hamlet Hears a Who", and who gave us a priceles…
1056 …a new device called the "telescope," peered through it and discovered that he could see directly i…
1058 …ton, after watching an apple fall off a tree, wrote his famous Principia Mathematica, which states…
1061 SCIENTIFIC ADVANCES OF THE 1700s: In England, a chemist named Daniel Rutherford discovered nitrogen…
1062 …st time, to decipher ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics, which turned out to be a letter from Publishe…
1066 …, and in 1788, the constitution they created underwent formal ratification, a complex legal proced…
1070 In 1807, an American inventor named Robert Fulton put a steam engine aboard a ship called the Clerm…
1071 …the Civil War, starring Clark Gable as Rhett Butler. America descended into a long, dark nightmare…
1074 …Edison leaned over a device and recited "Mary Had a Little Lamb" in a loud and clear voice. Nothin…
1075 …mous "Rough Riders" in the legendary charge up San Juan Hill, only to enjoy a hearty laugh at thei…
1076 …med Wilbur and Orville Wright Brothers, who as boys had dreamed of building a flying machine so th…
1078 On a more upbeat note, the Russians, after centuries of oppression, finally got rid of the Czar Sys…
1080 In the arena of scientific progress, a German-born physicist named Albert Einstein was thinking up …
1082 There was also hope in the Middle East, where the state of Israel was born in a happy celebration h…
1083 And so, this New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes 12, raise a glass to toast the millions of our …
1084 …a-Sketches, will malfunction. In one way, this is good: Your Permanent Record from school will be …
1086 Unfortunately for Bill Gates, who built himself a house the size of the Houston Astrodome to store …
1087 You must find a way, right now, to feed your family when Y2K strikes. You will NOT be able to grow …
1088 …waited new installment in the series, entitled Episode One: The Empire Gets a Building Permit. <BR…
1090 When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particula…
1091 The point, young people, is that there is a right way and a wrong way to prepare for your SATs, and…
1092 …a set of initials, or "antonym," standing for "Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization."  This is …
1093 … E.T.S.'s Official Historical Statement of Goals and Purposes, was "to sell a huge quantity of No.…
1094 …answer contains swear words. * The answer contains the phrase "according to a White House spokespe…
1097 …s I stand before you to deliver your commencement address, I am reminded of a humorous story. Unfo…
1098 … in school will be vitally important to your success, provided that you are a contestant on Jeopar…
1099 …ust what we need!  Sheep that look MORE ALIKE than they already do!  Thanks a lot, Scientific Comm…
1101 I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a go…
1102 …y son Rob studied The Sixties. That's right: The Sixties are now considered a historical period, j…
1103 My point is that I have never been a huge fan of Beowulf, or epic poems in general. "Epic," in my o…
1105 Guys are sometimes accused of not having a domestic "flair" just because they tend to accessorize a…
1106 …domestic, OK?  When we see a guy who makes drapes by nailing trash bags over his windows, let's re…
1107 …a column I wrote on the SAT tests, angrily objected to my statement that Princeton, N.J., is the h…
1108 …a letter from a woman who chastised me for stating, in a column about the Napa Valley, that "pinot…
1110 …o I know this?  Because I'm psychic!  I also know that your name . . . wait a minute . . . it's co…
1114 …o is type in the words "population of Rhode Island" into your computer, and a moment later the num…
1115 … violent crime, war, spitting and ice hockey. These things have given males a bad name (specifical…
1120 …n in Western Europe - a severe decline in cultural values and standards; a rapid descent into chao…
1121 … in philosophy, science, and the arts, and above all the rise of humanism - a philosophy centered …
1127 …ly politically correct, environmentally sound, gender-neutral toys, such as a spinning top carved …
1129 …irly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a gu…
1130 …, as a group, have the emotional maturity of a hamster. No, this is not the case. A hamster is muc…
1131 … are born with a fundamental, genetically transmitted mental condition known to psychologists as: …
1132 …take steps that might LEAD to commitments. That is why, when a guy goes out on a date with a woman…
1133 Consider the behaviour of guy dogs, who spend their lives in a ceaseless quest to establish their m…
1134 …not talking about simply roting; I'm talking about a RELATIONSHIP that guys develop, a COMMITMENT …
1135 …a guy who can be more committed to a bunch of transient athletes than he is to his own wife. But y…
1136 You should understand that, as a longtime 76ers fan, I hated the Celtics. Not in the way I hate, fo…
1137 I read an article once stating that down in Central America, they take sports a little too seriousl…
1138 … certain. "Let's put his head back on with duct tape and see if he can play a few more innings," i…
1139 …i-dysfunctional organizations such as the Lawn Rangers, then there would be a lot fewer guys getti…
1143 …bsolutely have to. A single-sock load would not be out of the question, for a guy. A guy might wel…
1146 Guys are capable of achievements that a nonguy cannot imagine without the aid of strong prescriptio…
1147 …rs of human knowledge. We humans do not need to leave Earth to get to go to a hostile, deadly, ali…
1149 …hes, for the better part of the last 35 minutes. I realize that sounds like a lot of work, but bea…
1150 The movie "Titanic" garnered a record 56 Academy Awards, including Best Major Motion Picture Lastin…
1151 …ody going slower than you is an idiot, and anybody going faster than you is a maniac?  <BR>	-- Geo…
1156 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
1159 No one is listening until you make a mistake.
1162 It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
1164 If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
1170 Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
1172 Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
1173 Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
1176 Never miss a good chance to shut up.
1178 There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a…
1179 UNIX is an operating system, OS/2 is half an operating system, Windows is a shell, and DOS is a boo…
1181 …d some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a t…
1182 …own way. The Old one gives us a picture of these people's Deity as he was before he got religion, …
1185 The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same; but the medical practice chang…
1186 This (preparing my tax return) is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher. <BR>	-…
1191 Advice is like kissing: It costs nothing and it's a pleasant thing to do. <BR>	-- George Bernard Sh…
1194 Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. <BR>	-- Louis La Roch…
1201 There is hardly a man on earth who will take advice unless he is certain that it is positively bad.…
1211 Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance. <BR>	-- King George V of Great Britain, (1865-193…
1215 Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead. <BR>	-- Scottish Proverb
1226 Don't believe the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing -- it was here first. <BR>	--…
1232 Don't jump on a man unless he's down. <BR>	-- Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936), U.S. humorist
1244 If called by a panther/Don't anther. <BR>	-- Ogden Nash, (1902-1971), U.S. poet
1246 If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. <BR>	-- Catherine A…
1261 …n earnest, the journey through life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other. <…
1262 Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he offers you candy. <BR>	-- Linda Festa
1267 Never floss with a stranger. <BR>	-- Joan Rivers (1939--), U.S. comedienne
1268 Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've alrea…
1271 Never insult seven men if you're only carrying a six shooter. <BR>	-- Harry Morgan
1274 Never kick a fresh cow pie on a hot day. <BR>	-- Harry S. Truman (1884-1972), U.S. President
1277 Never look a gift horse in the mouth. <BR>	-- St. Jerome (345-420)
1278 Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. <BR>	-- Woodrow Wilson, (1856-1924), U.S. Pre…
1279 Never play cards with a man named Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a woman …
1280 Never play cat and mouse games if you're a mouse. <BR>	-- Don Addis (1935--), U.S. editorial cartoo…
1281 Never put anything on paper, my boy, and never trust a man with a small black mustache. <BR>	-- P. …
1283 Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. <BR>	-- John Peers
1284 Never take a cross country trip with a kid who has just learned to whistle. <BR>	-- Jean Deuel
1285 Never tell a woman that you didn't realize she was pregnant unless you're certain that she is. <BR>…
1286 Never transmit a sexual disease in public. <BR>	-- P.J. O'Rourke (1947--), Modern Manners
1289 Never wear a backwards baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. <BR>	-- …
1293 One should always be a little improbable. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900), Irish author
1296 Save a boyfriend for a rainy day -- and another, in case it doesn't rain. <BR>	-- Mae West (1892-19…
1304 The problem with the designated driver program, is that it's not a desirable job. But if you ever g…
1305 There is one exception to the rule "Never eat at a restaurant called Mom's." If you're in a small t…
1313 When you cannot get a compliment by any other way pay yourself one. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
1314 When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. <BR>	-- Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882-…
1316 Why be disagreeable, when with a little effort you can be impossible?  <BR>	-- Douglas Woodruff
1321 A woman's always younger than a man of equal years. <BR>	-- Elizabeth Barrett Browning, (1806-1861)…
1322 Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. <BR>	-- Satchel Paige,…
1323 Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. <BR>	-- Tom Stoppard, (1937--), playwright
1325 Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. <BR>	-- Billie Burke, (1884--), U.S.…
1331 Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven't committed. <BR>	-- Anthony…
1334 I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it. <BR>	-- Eva …
1341 I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. <BR>	-- Jennifer Unl…
1343 Inside every older woman is a young girl wondering what the hell happened. <BR>	-- Cora Harvey Arms…
1344 It is well known that the older a man grows, the faster he could run as a boy. <BR>	-- Red Smith (1…
1347 Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home ear…
1351 Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young. <BR>	-- Fred A…
1356 The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles. <BR>	-- S…
1367 When I grow up, I want to be a little boy. <BR>	-- Joseph Heller (1923--), US novelist
1371 Youth is a blunder; manhood a struggle; old age a regret. <BR>	-- Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881), Co…
1372 Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. <BR>	-- Herbert Asquith, British p…
1373 America is a land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy -- and won't even cro…
1374 America is a melting pot, the people at the bottom get burned while all the scum floats to the top.…
1375 America is a mistake, a giant mistake!  <BR>	-- Sigmund Freud (1856-1939), psychoanalyst
1384 For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, …
1388 Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian. <BR>	-- Robert Orbe…
1390 It is a pity that instead of the Pilgrim Fathers landing on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock had not la…
1397 The United States never lost a war or won a conference. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879-1935), U.S. humor…
1399 What a pity, when Christopher Columbus discovered America, that he ever mentioned it. <BR>	-- Margo…
1403 Everyone has something ancestral, even if it is nothing more than a disease. <BR>	-- Ed Howe (1853-…
1405 He that hath no fools, knaves, or beggars in his family was begot by a flash of lightning. <BR>	-- …
1410 Not only is there a skeleton in every closet, but there is a screw loose in every skeleton. <BR>	--…
1412 Our ancestors are very good kind of folks, but they are the last people I should choose to have a v…
1417 I confess to you, I could never look long upon a monkey without very mortifying reflections. <BR>	-…
1419 I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the d…
1421 No one can feel as hopeless as the owner of a sick goldfish. <BR>	-- Kin Hubbard (1868-1930), U.S. …
1426 Whenever you observe an animal closely, you feel as if a human being sitting inside were making fun…
1427 A dog is a man's best friend. A cat is a cat's best friend. <BR>	-- Robert J. Vogel
1429 Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings. <BR>	-- Oliver Herford
1431 Cats are a mysterious kind of folk. There is more passing in their minds than we are aware of. It c…
1432 Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. <BR>	-- Garrison Keillo…
1434 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. <BR>	-- Jeff Vald…
1437 Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you. <BR>	-- Mary Bly
1438 I don't mind a cat, in its place. But its place is not in the middle of my back at 4 a.m. <BR>	-- M…
1440 If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it i…
1446 …alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. <BR>	…
1447 …ix days, take a look around, then close them again for the better part of their lives. <BR>	-- Ste…
1451 … completely assembled, and it makes a sound when you jump on it. <BR>	-- Stephen Baker, author of …
1453 …earchers in Germany have found a border collie named Rico that can understand more than 200 words.…
1454 Some people lose all respect for a lion unless he devours them instantly. There is no pleasing some…
1457 The only good cat is a stir-fried cat. <BR>	-- Alf, U.S. puppet
1458 …a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction -- and a cat. The last ingredient is …
1460 When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder him he calls it …
1462 Where there are no tigers, a wild cat is very self-important. <BR>	-- Korean Proverb
1463 You own a dog; you feed a cat. <BR>	-- Jim Fiebig, NANA
1464 Young normal tigers do not eat people. If eaten by a tiger, you may rest assured that he was abnorm…
1465 A dog is a yes-animal, very popular with people who can't afford to keep a yes-man. <BR>	-- Roberts…
1468 A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. <BR>	…
1470 Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think that is how dogs spend their l…
1474 Happiness to a dog is what lies on the other side of the door. <BR>	-- Charlton Ogburn Jr. (1911-19…
1478 If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one. <BR>	-- Andy Rooney (1919-- ),…
1479 I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, US…
1481 Man is a dog's ideal of what God should be. <BR>	-- Holbrook Jackson (1874-1948), English writer/cr…
1482 My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our…
1483 …en from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no pr…
1486 Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend. <BR>	-- Corey Ford (1902-1969), U.S. humorist
1488 Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job  <BR>	-- Franklin P. Jones (1853-1935), U.S. humorist
1489 The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. <BR>	-- Andrew A. Rooney (1919- ), U.S. …
1490 The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to f…
1491 The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor. <BR>	-- Margot Kaufman, American writer
1494 You may have a dog that won't sit up, roll over or even cook breakfast, not because she's too stupi…
1499 I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. <BR>	…
1503 When you see a snake, never mind where he came from. <BR>	-- W.G. Benham
1504 A portrait is a painting with something wrong about the mouth. <BR>	-- John Singer Sargent (1856-19…
1506 Buy old masters. They fetch a better price than old mistresses. <BR>	-- Max Aiken, Lord Beaverbrook…
1509 Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves they have a …
1513 Astrology is a disease, not a science. <BR>	-- Moses Maimonides, Hilboth Tshuvah (Laws of Repentenc…
1514 Australia is an outdoor country. People only go indoors to use the toilet, and that's only a recent…
1518 Better a bald head than no head at all. <BR>	-- Austin O'Malley (1858-1932), physician/humorist
1524 …re consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience. <BR>	-- John…
1527 No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you'll see why. <BR>	-- Mignon …
1528 Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week  <BR>	-- William Dean Howells (183…
1530 The universe is becoming a bore. <BR>	-- Logan Pearsall Smith (1865-1946), U.S. essayist/critic
1533 I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave. <BR>	-- Edward Mo…
1534 It is easy to be brave from a safe distance. <BR>	-- Aesop (620?-560? BC), Thracian freed slave & w…
1538 The Bostonians are really, as a race, far inferior in point of anything beyond mere intellect to an…
1539 When I go abroad, I always sail from Boston because it is such a pleasant place to get away from. <…
1543 In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
1549 It's a city where everyone mutinies but no one deserts. <BR>	-- Harry Hershfield, New York Times, 5…
1551 …world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. <BR>	--…
1555 Omaha is a little like Newark -- without Newark's glamour. <BR>	-- Joan Rivers (1939--) U.S. comedi…
1556 Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. <BR>	-- John F. Kennedy, U.S. presi…
1559 Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. <BR>	-- Fred Allen (18…
1564 Committee -- a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours. <BR>	-- Milton Berle, (1908-2002), U.…
1566 …er in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and what a wonderful method it …
1567 What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. <BR>	-…
1569 A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the c…
1570 I have the perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it. <BR>	-- Alfred Hitchcock, (1899-1980), film-maker
1571 It takes about a week of treatment to cure a cold, but without treatment it takes about seven days.…
1573 There is only one way to treat a cold, and that is with contempt. <BR>	-- Sir William Osler (1849-1…
1579 A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. <BR>	-- Joseph Campbell …
1580 A human being is a computer's way of making another computer. Yes, we are their sex organs. <BR>	--…
1581 …fore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a ham…
1582 Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer. <BR>	-- Rita May Brown (1944-- ), U.S. novelist
1584 Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shel…
1585 … to explain sex to virgins. <BR>	-- Robert Heinlein, (1907-1988), in "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress"
1586 For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three…
1587 Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked. <BR>	-- Jeff Pesis
1590 Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produc…
1593 One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a …
1596 There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer. <BR>	-- J. H. Goldfuss
1598 To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so. <BR>	-- Robert Orben (1927--), U.…
1599 Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-…
1600 We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce…
1602 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. <BR>	-- Steven Wright, (1955--), U.S. comed…
1603 Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. <BR>	-- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956), U.S. journa…
1612 A critic is a legless man who teaches running. <BR>	-- Channing Pollack, The Green Book
1613 A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car. <BR>	-- Kenneth Tynan, British theatre…
1614 …ore you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize the…
1615 Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but t…
1616 Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a str…
1618 I much prefer a compliment, insincere or not, to sincere criticism. <BR>	-- Plautus (254-184 B.C.),…
1622 Many a man's profanity has saved him from a nervous breakdown. <BR>	-- Henry S. Haskins
1623 Take not God's name in vain; select a time when it will have effect. <BR>	-- Ambrose Bierce (1842-1…
1627 A donkey shall violate him, a donkey shall violate his wife (Deir el-Bahri Graffito No. 11, Dyn. 20…
1631 He should have a large store, and whatever people ask for he shouldnt have, and what he does have s…
1633 Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow. <BR>	-- Psalms 109:9
1636 May a rabbit butt you to death!  <BR>	-- Lithuanian curse
1638 May he need a prescription!  <BR>	-- Jewish proverb
1640 May his stomach churn like a music box. <BR>	-- Jewish proverb
1641 May she marry a ghost and bear him a kitten, and may the high king of glory permit it to get mange.…
1642 …o far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope. <BR>	-- I…
1644 May the fleas of a thousand camels lodge in your armpit. <BR>	-- Arab curse
1647 May you have a lawsuit in which you know you are in the right. <BR>	-- Gypsy curse
1653 …imself with the three early warning signs of death: one, rigor mortis; two, a rotting smell; three…
1654 Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing to do with it. <BR>	--…
1655 Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees. <BR>	-- J.J. Furnas
1656 Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. <BR>	-- Rush Limb…
1672 My prayer to the Lord every day, is this -- I have been a great sinner. I do not deserve Heaven. Le…
1673 No one owns life, but anyone who can pick up a frying pan owns death. <BR>	-- William Burroughs (19…
1682 The thought of suicide is a great comfort. It's helped me through many a bad night. <BR>	-- Friedri…
1686 We die only once, and for such a long time!  <BR>	-- Moliere (1622-1673), French playwright
1690 Where there's a will, there's a dead person. <BR>	-- Ronnie Shakes, late U.S. comedian
1691 You can't take it with you. You never see a U-Haul following a hearse. <BR>	-- Ellen Glasgow (1874-…
1697 Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first. <BR>	-- Bill Cosby, Time Flies
1699 Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoo…
1700 If Senator Donovan can get resurrection into the death penalty, I might be willing to give it a sec…
1705 Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. <BR>	-- David Lloyd…
1706 I'll give you a definite maybe. <BR>	-- Samuel Goldwyn (1884-1974), U.S. film producer
1713 Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. <BR>	…
1714 Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. <BR>	-- Louis Saffan
1716 I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. <BR>	-- Zsa Zsa Gabor, (19…
1718 I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house. <BR…
1721 It is better to have loved and lost, but only if you have a good lawyer. <BR>	-- Herb Caen, U.S. jo…
1724 Open marriage is nature's way of telling you you need a divorce. <BR>	-- Marshall Brickman, (1941--…
1726 The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time t…
1728 Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" …
1730 A drink a day keeps the shrink away. <BR>	-- Edward Abbey, 1927-1989, U.S. writer
1731 …that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 …
1735 Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of a snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake…
1737 American beer is a lot like making love in a row boat -- It's f**king close to water!  <BR>	-- Eric…
1739 Better sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian. <BR>	-- Herman Melville, (1819-1891), …
1744 …s of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony. <BR>	-- Robe…
1745 Eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart. <BR>	-- Ecclesiastes 9:7
1746 Even though a number of people have tried, no one has ever found a way to drink for a living. <BR>	…
1747 For a Cannibal Martini, take 1/3 vermouth, 2/3 gin, and into this drop a small girl named Olive. <B…
1749 Give a man a beer, waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, and waste a lifetime!  <BR>	-- Bill Owen
1751 Heaven sent us soda water as a torment for our crimes. <BR>	-- G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
1752 I do not drink more than a sponge. <BR>	-- Francois Rabelais (1494-1553), Works, Book i, chapter 5
1753 I don't have a drink problem except when I can't get one. <BR>	-- Tom Waits, 1979, U.S. singer
1759 If you drink like a fish, don't drive. Swim. <BR>	-- Joe E. Louis, (1914-1981), U.S. comedian
1761 I'm a prohibitionist. What I propose to prohibit is the reckless use of water. <BR>	-- Bob Edwards
1763 I've formed a new group called Alcoholics Unanimous. If you don't feel like a drink, you ring anoth…
1764 I've made it a rule never to drink by daylight and never to refuse a drink after dark. <BR>	-- H.L.…
1766 People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. <BR>	-- Ca…
1770 The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those mee…
1771 The innkeeper loves the drunkard, but not for a son-in-law. <BR>	-- Jewish proverb
1790 Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately?  I say that what we really need is a car t…
1793 The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it. <BR>	-- Dudley Moore, (1935-2002…
1801 …They've got white of egg in their veins and their spunk is that watery it's a marvel they can bree…
1802 "English cooking?  You just put things into boiling water and then take them out again after a long…
1803 …ought up English girls are taught to boil all vegetables for at least a month and a half, just in …
1808 It is cowardly to commit suicide. The English often kill themselves -- it is a malady caused by the…
1809 It takes some skill to spoil a breakfast -- even the English can't do it!  <BR>	-- J K Galbraith, (…
1811 The English have an extraordinary ability for flying into a great calm. <BR>	-- Alexander Woolcott …
1814 The Englishman has all the qualities of a poker except its occasional warmth. <BR>	--attributed to …
1815 The typical Englishman is a strong being who takes a cold bath in the morning and talks about it fo…
1823 Man is a complex being; he makes deserts bloom -- and lakes die. <BR>	-- Gil Stern
1828 What's the use of a house if you haven't got a tolerable planet to put it on?  <BR>	-- Henry David …
1829 American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find i…
1830 An Englishman thinks seated; a Frenchman, standing; an American, pacing; an Irishman, afterward. <B…
1831 Continental people have a sex life; the English have hot-water bottles. <BR>	-- George Mikes, (1912…
1833 …a Frenchman, he will drink himself to death; an Irishman, he will die of angry hypertension; a Dan…
1835 …a German and France will declare that I am a citizen of the world. Should my theory prove untrue, …
1836 …n England no writer is important, and in Australia you have to explain what a writer is. <BR>	-- G…
1837 In England I would rather be a man, a horse, a dog or a woman, in that order. In American I would t…
1841 A man's health can be judged by which he takes two at a time -- pills or stairs. <BR>	-- Joan Welsh
1842 …e that the Good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up m…
1843 I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise. <BR>	-- Chauncey Depew, (1834-…
1849 What do you call a cyclist who doesn't wear a helmet?  An organ donor. <BR>	--David Perry
1850 Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. <BR…
1852 …nocks, you can also learn from soft touches. <BR>	-- Carolyn Kenmore, Mannequin: My Life as a Model
1856 Anyone attempting to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of course, living in a stat…
1858 Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. <BR>	-- John Kenneth Galbrait…
1861 I do not regard a broker as a member of the human race. <BR>	-- Honore de Balzac (1799-1850), Frenc…
1862 I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name. <BR>	-- Paula Poundstone…
1863 I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was able to reason. <BR>	-- Plato (428-347 B.C.), The …
1865 It is now proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics…
1866 Life is too short to balance a checkbook. <BR>	-- Howard Ogden
1868 There are only two kinds of people who predict the [stock] market on a day-to-day basis. Those who …
1883 A waist is a terrible thing to mind. <BR>	-- Tom Wilson, U.S. cartoonist, "Ziggy"
1886 Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
1892 Food is an important part of a balanced diet. <BR>	-- Fran Lebowitz (1950--), Metropolitan Life, 19…
1893 Happiness for me is largely a matter of digestion. <BR>	-- Lin Yutang (1895-1976), Chinese-American…
1897 I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce... I thou…
1898 I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight. <BR>	-- Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
1899 I'm a light eater. When it gets light, I start eating. <BR>	-- Tommy John (1943--), U.S. baseball p…
1902 I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days. <BR>	-- Totie Fields (-1978),…
1904 Life is too short to stuff a mushroom. <BR>	-- Shirley Conran (1932--), U.S. novelist, Superwoman, …
1910 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sug…
1917 The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. <BR>	-- …
1920 Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. <BR>	-- Ji…
1923 Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh m…
1924 You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me. <BR>	-- C.S. Lewis, (…
1925 France is a place where the money falls apart in your hands, but you can't tear the toilet paper. <…
1926 How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheeses?  <BR>	-- Charles De Gaul…
1928 The trouble with the French is that they sit around twenty-four hours a day talking French. <BR>	--…
1929 A friend in need is a friend to be avoided. <BR>	-- Lord Samuel, English liberal politician (1870 -…
1933 Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet. <BR>	-- Chinese proverb
1939 I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much b…
1940 I might give my life for my friend, but he had better not ask me to do up a parcel. <BR>	-- Logan P…
1942 Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards. <BR>	-- R. A. Dicks…
1943 My best friend would be the man who blew my brains out with a pistol. <BR>	-- Edgar Allan Poe (1804…
1948 …e can never be true friends: hope, dice, a prostitute, a robber, a cheat, a goldsmith, a monkey, a…
1950 When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each oth…
1951 Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies. <BR>	-- Gore Vidal (1925--) in New York …
1954 I think a secure profession for young people is history teacher, because in the future, there will …
1956 The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time. <BR>	-- Dean Acheson (1893…
1958 This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we m…
1959 A gentleman is one who never strikes a woman without provocation. <BR>	-- H.L. Mencken (1880-1956),…
1961 Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a big unchivalrous. <BR>	--…
1967 I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me. <BR>	-- Bette Midler (1945-…
1970 The German mind has a talent for making no mistakes but the very greatest. <BR>	-- Clifton Fadiman,…
1972 You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the…
1979 Good taste is the excuse I've always given for leading such a bad life. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1…
1980 I am a deeply superficial person. <BR>	-- Andy Warhol (1928-1987), U.S. artist
1986 I have suffered from being misunderstood, but I would have suffered a lot more if I had been unders…
1987 …I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?  <BR>	-- Zsa …
1989 I would have made a good Pope. <BR>	-- Richard M. Nixon, US President (1913-1994)
1991 I'm a fat anorexic. <BR>	-- Kiri Te Kanawa (1948--), Maori soprano
1992 It is a cursed evil to any man to become so absorbed in any subject as I am in mine. <BR>	-- Charle…
1993 I've been on a calendar, but never on time. <BR>	-- Marilyn Monroe, Look, 16 January 1962, US actre…
1994 …am pleased with it, mind you, or that I can even tolerate it. I simply have a morbid interest in i…
1998 There used to be a me, but I had it surgically removed. <BR>	-- Peter Sellers, Time, 1980, British …
1999 To be a great champion, you must believe you are the best. If you're not, pretend you are. <BR>	-- …
2000 We are all worms, but I do believe that I am a glow-worm. <BR>	-- Winston Churchill (1874-1965 ), E…
2002 You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long. <BR>	-- Boris Yeltsin, (193…
2003 Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. <BR>	-- Hector Berlioz (1803-18…
2005 It is easy to assume a habit; but when you try to cast it off, it will take skin and all. <BR>	-- J…
2010 …s it just yells "Can't you remember anything I told you?" and lets fly with a club. <BR>	-- John W…
2026 Every man has the right to utter what he thinks truth, and every other man has a right to knock him…
2028 Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. <BR>	-- Steve Landesberg (1945--), U.…
2029 I can't tell a lie -- not even when I hear one. <BR>	-- John Kendrick Bangs (1862-1922), writer
2031 I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. filmma…
2033 If one cannot invent a really convincing lie, it is often better to stick to the truth. <BR>	-- Ang…
2038 Never underestimate the effectiveness of a straight cash bribe. <BR>	-- Claud Cockburn (1904-1981),…
2039 Never tell a lie, but the truth you don't have to tell. <BR>	-- George Safir
2043 That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude. <BR>	-- Alexander Haig (1924--), U.S. politic…
2045 The world will be a better place when the Found ads in the newspapers begin to outnumber the Lost a…
2050 Truth is like a well-known whore. Everyone knows her, but it is embarrassing to encounter her on th…
2052 Unless a man feels he has a good enough memory, he should never venture to lie. <BR>	-- Michel de M…
2053 What a lot of people are saving for a rainy day is somebody else's umbrella. <BR>	-- Caroline Clark…
2055 When you deal with your brother, be pleasant, but get a witness. <BR>	-- Hesiod, Works and Ways, 8t…
2057 I would rather lie on a sofa than sweep beneath it. <BR>	-- Shirley Conran (1932--), U.S. novelist
2058 Nature abhors a vacuum and so do I. <BR>	-- Anne Gibbons, U.S. cartoonist
2059 Only a fool would make the bed every day. <BR>	-- Nancy Spain
2061 When Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner, then I'll clean the house. <BR>	-- Roseanne Barr…
2062 All men are born equal, but quite a few eventually get over it. <BR>	-- Lord Mancroft (1914--), Bri…
2063 All that I care to know is that a man is a human being -- that is enough for me; he can't be any wo…
2066 Every man has a sane spot somewhere. <BR>	-- Robert Louis Stevenson (1854-1894), English author
2068 Everyone is as God made him, and often a great deal worse. <BR>	-- Miguel de Cervantes (1547-1616),…
2070 Human beings were invented by water as a device of transporting itself from one place to another. <…
2071 I am a member of the rabble in good standing. <BR>	-- Westbrook Pegler (1894 - 1969), U.S. journali…
2075 I don't know what a scoundrel is like, but I know what a respectable man is like, and it's enough t…
2080 If I didn't panic when I found out that I was a human being, I'm never going to. <BR>	-- James Thur…
2087 Methinks we might elevate ourselves a little more. We might climb a tree, at least. <BR>	-- Henry D…
2090 Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it…
2092 People will buy anything that's one to a customer. <BR>	-- Sinclair Lewis (1885-1951), U.S. novelist
2093 Such is the human race. Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party didn't miss the boat. <BR…
2095 The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a b…
2097 The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish author
2112 One of the great disadvantages of hurry is that it takes such a long time. <BR>	-- G.K. Chesterton …
2114 He who laughs, lasts. <BR>	-- Mary Pettibone Poole, writer, in A Glass Eye at a Keyhole, 1938
2117 Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects. <BR>	-- Arnold H. Glasow
2118 A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. <BR>	-- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1…
2122 God works wonders now and then; Behold a lawyer an honest man. <BR>	-- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790…
2125 I always figured that being a good robber was like being a good lawyer. <BR>	-- Willie Sutton, (190…
2131 Lawyers spend a great deal of their time shoveling smoke. <BR>	-- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
2133 Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief. <BR>	-- Franz Kafka (1884-19…
2137 The only difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road is t…
2139 We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only ma…
2142 Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit. <BR>	-- Addison Mizner (1872-1933), U.S. resort architect
2145 Half a loaf is better than no free time at all. <BR>	-- J.D. Ward
2146 He slept beneath the moon/He basked beneath the sun;/He lived a life of going-to-do,/And died with …
2149 If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how …
2154 Education is a wonderful thing. If you couldn't sign your name you'd have to pay cash. <BR>	-- Rita…
2161 It is when the gods hate a man with uncommon abhorrence that they drive him into the profession of …
2162 Much knowledge is a curse. <BR>	-- Chuang-Tzu (369-286 B.C.) Chinese Taoist philosopher
2164 Of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh. <BR>	-- Ecclesias…
2165 Thou hast most traitorously corrupted the youth of the realm in erecting a grammar school. <BR>	-- …
2166 Try not to have a good time... this is supposed to be educational. <BR>	-- Charles Schulz, "Peanuts…
2169 Any idiot can face a crisis -- it's this day-to-day living that wears you out. <BR>	-- Anton Chekho…
2171 Have you ever had the feeling life is a black tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?  <BR>	-- G…
2179 It's a grand life, if you don't tire. <BR>	-- Gaelic proverb
2183 Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impote…
2184 Life is a dead-end street. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956), U.S. journalist
2185 Life is a dream -- but don't wake me. <BR>	-- Yiddish proverb
2186 Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint on it you can. <BR>	-- Danny Kaye (1913-1987), U.S.…
2187 Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to change his bed. <BR>	-- Pie…
2188 Life is a quarantine for paradise. <BR>	-- Karl Julius Weber (1767-1832), German writer
2189 Life is a rollercoaster. Try to eat a light lunch. <BR>	-- David A. Schmaltz, U.S. writer
2190 Life is a sexually-transmitted disease. <BR>	-- Guy Bellamy, U.S. author
2191 Life is a zoo in a jungle. <BR>	-- Peter De Vries, (1910--), U.S. writer
2197 Life is like a B-grade movie. You don't want to leave in the middle, but you don't want to see it a…
2198 Life is like a dog-sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. <BR>	-- Lewis G…
2199 Life is like a scrambled egg. <BR>	-- Don Marquis (1878-1937), "Frustration"
2200 Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use. <BR>	-- Charles M. Schulz (1922-…
2202 Life is not a spectacle or a feast; it is a predicament. <BR>	-- George Santayana (1863-1952), Arti…
2203 Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. <BR>	-…
2209 Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest. <BR>	-- Wilson Mizner (187…
2212 Living is like licking honey off a thorn. <BR>	-- Louis Adamic (1899-1951), U.S. novelist/journalist
2213 My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. <BR>	-- Ashley Brilliant (1933--), U.S. …
2215 Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. <BR>	-- Brendan Gill (191…
2216 Reality is a collective hunch. <BR>	-- Mel Seesholtz, Penn State U. professor
2218 Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story. <BR>	-- Ashley Brilliant, (1933--), U.S. …
2222 The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. <BR>	-- Peter Beard (1938--), U.…
2223 The world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. <BR>	-- Sean O'Casey (1880-1964), I…
2229 Hamlet is the tragedy of tackling a family problem too soon after college. <BR>	-- Tom Masson (1866…
2231 Never judge a book by its meeting. <BR>	-- J.W. Eagan
2233 To mankind in general, Macbeth and Lady Macbeth stand out as the supreme type of all that a host an…
2237 It is better to have loved a small man than never to have loved a tall. <BR>	-- Mary Jo Crowley, Co…
2239 Love is a grave mental disease. <BR>	-- Plato (428-347 B.C.), Greek philosopher
2240 Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature m…
2241 Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you undernea…
2244 Love is just a chemical reaction. But it's fun trying to find the formula. <BR>	-- J.D. Shantel, pr…
2246 Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a…
2247 Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring. <BR>	--…
2253 Two things only a man cannot hide: that he is drunk and that he is in love. <BR>	-- Antiphanes (c.3…
2254 We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him. <BR>	-- Shelley Winters, (1920--), US movie a…
2257 I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages. <BR>	-- William H. Mauldin (1921--), U.S. cartooni…
2259 If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?  <BR>	--Stanislaw J. Lec
2264 You need a strong stomach to digest luck. <BR>	-- Russian proverb
2266 A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers. <BR>	-- Grace Hansen
2268 An ideal husband is one who treats his wife like a new car. <BR>	-- Dan Bennett, U.S. columnist
2269 Any woman who still thinks marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition is only proving that she doesn't u…
2272 As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will, he will be sure to repent. <BR>	--…
2275 By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll becom…
2277 He who lives without quarreling is a bachelor. <BR>	-- St. Jerome (340-420)
2278 Housewives deserve well-furnished minds. They have to live in them such a lot of the time. <BR>	-- …
2282 I do not refer to myself as a 'housewife' for the reason that I did not marry a house. <BR>	-- Wilm…
2286 …ch answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which s…
2289 If I ever marry it will be on sudden impulse, as a man shoots himself. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880-…
2293 It is as hard to arrange a good marriage as it was to divide the Red Sea. <BR>	-- Talmud: Sotah, 2A
2294 It is really asking too much of a woman to expect her to bring up her husband and her children too.…
2295 It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. <BR>	-- Spike Milligan, (1918-2002),…
2296 Jesus was a bachelor. <BR>	-- Don Herold (1889-1966), U.S. humorist
2298 Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. <BR>	-- Stephen Leac…
2300 Marriage, if one will face the truth, is an evil, but a necessary evil. <BR>	-- Menander (342-291 B…
2301 Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. <BR>	-- F. M. Knowles, A Chee…
2304 Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. <BR>	-- Irwin C…
2307 My advice to you is get married. If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a p…
2308 My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time. <BR>	-- Lee Trev…
2309 Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. <BR>	-- P.J. O'Rourke (1947--), Modern Manne…
2311 Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near. <BR>	-- Helen Rowland (1876 - 1950), English-…
2315 One of the best things about marriage is that it gets young people to bed at a decent hour. <BR>	--…
2319 Take it from me -- marriage isn't a word -- it's a sentence. <BR>	-- King Vidor, (1894-1982), U.S. …
2323 The trouble with marrying your mistress is that you create a job vacancy. <BR>	-- Sir James Goldsmi…
2324 There are only about twenty murders a year in London, and not all are serious. Some are just husban…
2325 There is more to marriage than four bare legs in a bed. <BR>	-- John Heywood (1497?-1580?), English…
2326 There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married ag…
2329 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. <BR>	-- Sacha Gui…
2332 …s of society. Wives can rarely, if ever, be traded for anything useful like a set of golf clubs. <…
2335 A red-headed man will make a good stallion. <BR>	-- John Ray (1628-1705), English naturalist
2341 I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle, it's much too confining. <BR>	-- Lily Toml…
2348 My life needs a rewind/erase button. <BR>	-- Bill Watterson, "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip
2349 Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me. <BR>	-- Ashleigh Brilliant (1933--), U.S. w…
2354 With me, it's just a genetic dissatisfaction with everything. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935-- ), U.S. f…
2355 A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. <BR>	-- Carrie Snow, U.S. comed…
2356 And Nathan, being sick, trusted not in the Lord, but sent for a physician; and Nathan was gathered …
2357 Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs. You may live. <BR>	-- Ambros…
2358 Both the doctor and the Angel of Death kill -- but the doctor charges a fee for it. <BR>	-- Ibn Zab…
2361 He that sinneth before his Maker, let him fall into the hands of a physician. <BR>	-- Ecclesiastes …
2368 One of the most difficult things to contend with in a hospital is that assumption on the part of th…
2369 Suicide is cheating the doctors out of a job. <BR>	-- Josh Billings (1818-1885), U.S. humorist
2370 The trouble with being a hypochondriac these days is that antibiotics have cured all the good disea…
2372 Vaccination is undoubtedly a definite recognition of smallpox. <BR>	-- Winston Churchill (1874-1965…
2376 I've a grand memory for forgetting. <BR>	-- Robert Louis Stevenson (1854-1894), English author
2378 Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away food. <BR>	-- Austin O'Malley (185…
2380 A man who won't lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings. <BR>	-- Olin Miller
2381 A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. <BR>	-- Flo Kennedy (1916-2000), political …
2385 Behind every successful man stands a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law. <BR>	-- Brooks Hayes…
2387 Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. <BR>	-- Kin Hubbard (1868-1930), U.S. humo…
2388 Can you imagine a world without men?  No crime and lots of happy fat women. <BR>	-- Nicole Hollande…
2391 Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of th…
2392 Giving a man space is like giving a dog a computer: the chances are he will not use it wisely. <BR>…
2394 God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time. <BR>	-- Robin Williams…
2396 Growing up white and male in this society is like swimming in a salt lake -- no matter how rotten y…
2397 He took misfortune like a man -- blamed it on his wife. <BR>	-- Brigid De Vine
2398 However we brave it out, we men are a little breed. <BR>	-- Alfred Lord Tennyson (1809-1892), "Maud…
2402 I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. <BR>	-- Zsa Zsa Gabor (ca. 1918--), Hollywood…
2403 I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?  <BR>	-- Zsa Z…
2405 If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. <BR>	-- Mary Wilson Little…
2406 …they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around …
2408 If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle. <BR>	-- Rita Mae Brown (1944--), U.S…
2409 It is easier for a man to be loyal to his club than to his planet; the by-laws are shorter, and he …
2410 …a man is a fourteen-room house -- in the bedroom he's asleep with his intelligent wife, in the liv…
2418 Man puts woman on a pedestal so he won't have to look her in the eye. <BR>	-- Marian Stewart
2419 Man was created a little lower than the angels, and has been getting a little lower ever since. <BR…
2420 Man -- a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired. <BR>	-- Mark Twain (1835-1…
2423 Men are very queer animals -- a mixture of horse-nervousness, ass-stubbornness, and camel-malice. <…
2424 …across deserts, and yet they contend successfully that the job of sewing on a button is beyond the…
2428 Men love putting women on a pedestal because it's so much more satisfying when they knock them off.…
2432 Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit. <BR>	-- Maureen Murphy
2433 Talking with a man is like trying to saddle a cow. You work like hell, but what's the point. <BR>	-…
2435 The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest. <BR>	-- Roseanne Barr, (1953--), U.S. comic
2436 The first time Adam had a chance, he laid the blame on women. <BR>	-- Lady Nancy Astor (1879-1964),…
2437 The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do mo…
2439 The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can. <BR>	-- Margo Kaufman, U.S. wri…
2440 The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. <BR>	-- Natalie Wood, …
2444 You know, sometimes a man just can't satisfy all of a woman's desires. Which is why God invented de…
2445 A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a p…
2446 Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. <BR>	--attributed to Samuel Gold…
2448 I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me…
2450 One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom. <BR>	-- Muriel Spark (1918--), Scottish author
2453 There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness". <BR>	-- Dave Barry, U.S. humorist
2454 There is a thin line between genius and insanity. I have erased that line. <BR>	-- Oscar Levant (19…
2458 I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterward. <BR>…
2461 If you can't make a mistake, you can't make anything. <BR>	-- Marva Collins, U.S. teacher
2464 Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish p…
2466 A man can live well enough even in a palace. <BR>	-- Marcus Aurelius (121-180), Roman philosopher/E…
2467 A man who has a million dollars is as well off as if he were rich. <BR>	-- John Jacob Astor II
2468 A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. <BR>	-- Yogi Berra, U.S. baseball player
2476 I think every young man should have a hobby. Learning to handle money is the best hobby. <BR>	-- Ja…
2477 If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. <BR>	-- J. Paul Getty (1892-1976), U…
2482 It's not a sin to be rich -- it's a miracle. <BR>	-- W. F. Dettle
2486 Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the prob…
2494 There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one. <…
2496 There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everybody. <BR>	…
2500 When a fellow says, 'It ain't the money but the principle of the thing,' it's the money. <BR>	-- Fr…
2503  A mother who is really a mother is never free. <BR>	-- Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)
2507 I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. <BR>	-- W.C. Fields (1880-1946), U.S.…
2511 Nobody can misunderstand a boy like his own mother. <BR>	-- Norman Douglas (1868-1952), British wri…
2515 Going to the opera, like getting drunk, is a sin that carries its own punishment with it, and that …
2519 I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and try…
2521 If anyone has conducted a Beethoven performance, and then doesn't have to go to an osteopath, then …
2527 Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings. <BR>	-- Ed Gardner
2529 The public doesn't want new music; the main thing it demands of a composer is that he be dead. <BR>…
2530 The sound of a harpsichord -- two skeletons copulating on a tin roof in a thunderstorm. <BR>	-- Sir…
2532 As watchful as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. <BR>	-- Patrick Cusack
2534 What's the difference between a cavalry horse and a draught horse? The cavalry horse darts into the…
2536 Thailand is primarily a Buddhist state and 'shit happens' -- but Allah has a lot of explaining to d…
2537 A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconciously tran…
2540 Everything is vague to a degree you do not realize till you have tried to make it precise. <BR>	-- …
2543 …a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unles…
2544 …more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years. <BR>	-- B…
2545 In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have lon…
2547 It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence whic…
2548 It is a waste of energy to be angry with a man who behaves badly, just as it is to be angry with a …
2549 Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim. <BR>	-- Bertrand Russe…
2550 Mathematics, rightly viewed, posses not only truth, but supreme beauty -- a beauty cold and austere…
2553 Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clev…
2554 …a very exceptional man. Yet the habit of passive acceptance is a disastrous one in later life. It …
2557 The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be ha…
2558 The greatest challenge to any thinker is stating the problem in a way that will allow a solution. <…
2562 The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays…
2565 There are two motives for reading a book: one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast abo…
2569 This is patently absurd; but whoever wishes to become a philosopher must learn not to be frightened…
2572 …ientific inquiry combined with a belief that the torture of millions is not desirable, whether inf…
2580 One should as a rule respect public opinion in so far as is necessary to avoid starvation and to ke…
2583 …utterly absurd; indeed in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is…
2585 …man, wherever he goes, is encompassed by a cloud of comforting convictions, which move with him li…
2587 It is undesirable to believe a proposition when there is no ground whatsoever for supposing it is t…
2588 It is obvious that 'obscenity' is not a term capable of exact legal definition; in the practice of …
2591 Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something; in the absence of good grounds for belief, h…
2592 I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound …
2593 If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. <B…
2598 This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. <BR>	-- Dorot…
2599 That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it w…
2606 A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing no…
2609 Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. <BR>	-- George B…
2610 England and America are two countries separated by a common language. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (…
2612 …ink more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thi…
2615 I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have …
2617 If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion. <BR>	-- George Bernard S…
2619 If the lesser mind could measure the greater as a footrule can measure a pyramid, there would be fi…
2624 Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability. <BR>	-- George Bernard …
2626 Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad. <BR>	-- George Bernard S…
2628 The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a dru…
2631 When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - …
2633 Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856…
2637 The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 …
2638 You'll never have a quiet world till you knock the patriotism out of the human race. <BR>	-- George…
2642 One man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven't and don't. <BR>	-- George …
2644 We don't bother much about dress and manners in England, because as a nation we don't dress well an…
2645 "Do you know what a pessimist is?" "A man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates th…
2648 When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. <BR>…
2652 Parentage is a very important profession, but no test of fitness for it is ever imposed in the inte…
2655 Alcohol is a very necessary article... It makes life bearable to millions of people who could not e…
2656 I am a Millionaire. That is my religion. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
2657 He knows nothing; and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career. <BR…
2660 Every man over forty is a scoundrel. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
2669 …a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thr…
2670 A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
2671 There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it. <BR>	-- George Bernard Shaw …
2674 What is life but a seires of inspired follies?  The difficulty is to find them to do. Never lose a …
2679 A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (188…
2680 A home is not a mere transient shelter: its essence lies in the personalities of the people who liv…
2681 A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
2685 …the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a …
2686 An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it wil…
2692 …her. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe... Marriage is a scheme to accomplish…
2693 Giving every man a vote has no more made men wise and free than Christianity has made them good. <B…
2694 I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time. <B…
2695 I never lecture, not because I am shy or a bad speaker, but simply because I detest the sort of peo…
2696 In the United States, doing good has come to be, like patriotism, a favorite device of persons with…
2698 It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were …
2701 It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though s…
2704 … makes for beauty, for lesser men try to escape from a hopeless and intolerable world by creating …
2707 Never let your inferiors do you a favor - it will be extremely costly. <BR>	-- H. L. Mencken (1880 …
2710 Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true. <BR>	-- H…
2714 The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated. <…
2715 …ts of a gang of men exactly like you and me. They have, taking one with another, no special talent…
2718 The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the…
2726 The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable ac…
2728 America is a country that doesn't know where it is going but is determined to set a speed record ge…
2730 An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it. <BR>	…
2732 Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. <BR>	…
2733 Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter …
2734 Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent. <BR>	-- Laurence J. …
2735 Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor. <BR>	-- Lauren…
2736 If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?  <BR…
2741 …hour-by-hour mental conduct produces power for change in your life. Develop a train of thought on …
2743 The incompetent with nothing to do can still make a mess of it. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1…
2744 The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance. <BR>	-- Lau…
2746 Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to believe. <BR>	-- Laurence J. Peter (1919 …
2748 A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. <BR>	-- Oscar …
2753 Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 -…
2756 Biography lends to death a new terror. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
2758 Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. <BR>	-- Osc…
2762 I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning, and took out a comma. In the afterno…
2764 It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1…
2765 Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
2768 One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputati…
2779 …eople. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotati…
2784 Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
2786 What is a cynic?  A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. <BR>	-- Oscar W…
2794 One is tempted to define man as a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upo…
2796 To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessn…
2797 Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who…
2798 It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. <BR>	-- Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)
2805 Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that …
2809 The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it, and your soul grows sick with…
2811 There is a luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves, we feel that no one else has a right t…
2813 When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again,…
2814 Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives. <BR>	-- Oscar…
2816 There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written. <BR>…
2817 …ybody can sympathise with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympat…
2820 …is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. It is a weapon our adversari…
2827 How do you tell a communist?  Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an a…
2829 I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabin…
2832 Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself y…
2833 Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a ver…
2835 The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it…
2837 …e now going on for the world will not be bombs and rockets but a test of wills and ideas-a trial o…
2839 Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.'  And…
2841 …a rendezvous with destiny. We will preserve for our children this, the last best hope of man on ea…
2843 You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans. <BR>	-- Ronald Reaga…
2845 I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. <BR>	-- Rita Rudn…
2848 My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and…
2852 When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' …
2853 Every generation needs a new revolution. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
2861 I never will, by any word or act, bow to the shrine of intolerance or admit a right of inquiry into…
2864 The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to bear arms is, as a last resort, to prote…
2865 I am of a sect by myself, as far as I know. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), third US President
2868 All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent. <BR>	-- Tho…
2869 … is on of the great bulwarks of liberty, and can never be restrained but by a despotic government.…
2872 The Christian God is a being of terrific character -- cruel, vindictive, capricious, and unjust. <B…
2876 Every citizen should be a soldier. This was the case with the Greeks and Romans, and must be that o…
2878 I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier fo…
2879 I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it. <BR>	-- Thomas Je…
2880 In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. <BR>	-- Tho…
2884 …honest and dutiful to society the religion which has regulated it cannot be a bad one. <BR>	-- Tho…
2885 …for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if the…
2886 The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), t…
2895 Advertisements... contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. <BR>	-- Thomas Jefferson …
2896 …fly the advertisements, for they contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. <BR>	-- T…
2898 As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to …
2903 How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?  <BR>	-- Woody…
2907 I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
2908 I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. <BR>	…
2911 If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say a…
2912 If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. …
2913 Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought …
2914 It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. <BR>	-- Woody Allen …
2917 More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utte…
2920 Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. <BR>	-- Woody Allen (1935 - )
2921 Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on off…
2925 Thought: Why does man kill?  He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a bever…
2930 You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundr…
2935 A joke is a very serious thing. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (1874 - 1965)
2938 An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping it will eat him last. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Church…
2941 >From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. <BR>	…
2945 I have always felt that a politician is to be judged by the animosities he excites among his oppone…
2947 It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at …
2951 One ought never to turn one's back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it. If you do th…
2956 There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are tr…
2957 We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill (187…
2958 When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own cou…
2965 It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations. <BR>	-- Sir Winston Churchill…
2968 …ecast to you the action of Russia. It is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma: but perha…
2976 A love of tradition has never weakened a nation, indeed it has strengthened nations in their hour o…
2979 An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh. <BR…
2980 Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate …
2982 Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 -…
2984 I was not a child prodigy, because a child prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child …
2985 I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. …
2986 Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip. <BR>	-- Wi…
2988 On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has…
2991 Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - …
2996 There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. <BR>	-- Wi…
2997 This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a …
2998 We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
3007 You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way…
3010 … met him [Trotsky] and had a chat with him, I would have found him a very interesting and human fe…
3013 Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work. <BR>	-- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
3014 At a dinner party one should eat wisely but not too well, and talk well but not too wisely. <BR>	--…
3015 Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a…
3016 It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
3017 It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it…
3019 She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit. <BR>	-- W. Somerset…
3021 Tradition is a guide and not a jailer. <BR>	-- W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)
3026 …ll life a bad job?  Never!  We've had our ups and downs, we've had our struggles, we've always bee…
3034 It's asking a great deal that things should appeal to your reason as well as your sense of the aest…
3037 Money is like a sixth sense without which you cannot make a complete use of the other five. <BR>	--…
3039 The rain fell alike upon the just and upon the unjust, and for nothing was there a why and a wheref…
3040 …ot seem to belong to the same species; and it was strange to think that but a little while before …
3042 When I read a book I seem to read it with my eyes only, but now and then I come across a passage, p…
3044 A woman can forgive a man for the harm he does her... but she can never forgive him for the sacrifi…
3049 A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. <BR>	-- Fred Allen (1894-1956), U.…
3057 We look at the present through a rear-view mirror. We march backwards into the future. <BR>	-- Mars…
3064 The trouble with a cheap, specialized education is that you never stop paying for it. <BR>	-- Marsh…
3065 People dont actually read newspapers. They step into them every morning like a hot bath. <BR>	-- Ma…
3067 Today each of us lives several hundred years in a decade. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Ca…
3075 Camp is popular because it gives people a sense of reality to see a replay of their lives. <BR>	-- …
3081 …their heads so they can be clobbered at once. The idea department of a big firm is a sort of lab f…
3082 When a thing is current, it creates currency. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (1911-1980), Canadian media…
3087 A road is a flattened-out wheel, rolled up in the belly of an airplane. <BR>	-- Marshall McLuhan, (…
3090 Remember, no one, when they are on their death-bed says "I wish I'd watched a little more TV". <BR>…
3091 I never had a chance this year. I can't drink like Lee Marvin, grunt like Rod Steiger, enunciate li…
3092 … can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walru…
3093 Admit it, sport-utility-vehicle owners!  It's shaped a little differently, but it's a station wagon…
3096 …ury, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up w…
3097 …eed for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offe…
3098 As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
3099 Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. <BR>	-- D…
3100 Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younge…
3101 Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer …
3102 Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: version…
3103 …to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a…
3105 …lso create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the largest member of the House …
3108 DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllab…
3109 Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
3110 Don't you wish you had a job like mine?  All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! …
3111 Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
3119 Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed b…
3120 Grammatically, should of is a predatory admonition; as such, it is always used as part of a herpeto…
3121 Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. <…
3122 …g to the directory of the American Society of Colleges and Universities, is a "type of weevil."  <…
3124 I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-botto…
3128 I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. <BR>	-- Dav…
3134 I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. …
3135 I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall beli…
3137 I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower-body garments I own that still fit me co…
3140 If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
3141 If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them cou…
3142 If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you w…
3145 In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish whose name, when y…
3146 …ot. What caused this change?  One big factor, of course, is that people are a lot stupider than th…
3147 …thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent. <BR>	-- Dave B…
3148 It is a good idea to "shop around" before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Me…
3149 It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another pers…
3150 …a well-known fact that although the public is fine when taken individually, when it forms itself i…
3153 Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be at…
3154 MEGAHERTZ: This is a really, really big hertz. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
3155 Miami does not have a visitor-friendly airport. At Miami International, a cramped and dingy labyrin…
3160 … finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M and M's and a chocolate cake. I fe…
3161 Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading…
3163 Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his…
3165 Puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look …
3168 Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
3171 …a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-suppor…
3172 …nt of enormous elongated stones in England - is actually a crude effort by the Druids to build a c…
3173 Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we were deciding what absol…
3176 …ds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a…
3179 The Internet "browser"... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen info…
3180 The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by whi…
3186 The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have ey…
3187 The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and at…
3191 …h revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece o…
3195 The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
3196 The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization…
3200 There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
3202 To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent. <BR>	-- Dave Barry
3203 To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you c…
3204 UNIVAC: a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 to…
3208 We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this …
3210 …der a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we k…
3211 We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty no…
3215 … in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but …
3216 You can use the Internet to find out, from anywhere on the planet: exactly how much coffee is in a …
3217 Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who r…
3218 A male chauvinist is a man who thinks that "harass" is two words. <BR>	-- The proprietor, Ballandea…
3220 When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. <BR>	-- The Law of Avoiding Ov…
3221 Never accept a drink from a urologist. <BR>	-- The Law of Common Sense
3223 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. <BR>	-- The Law of Self Sacrifice
3236 A pre-requisite for a desired course will only be offered during the semester following the desired…
3242 …the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in …
3246 The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely with its price and directly with its ugliness…
3252 The Consumer Report on the item will come out a week after you've made your purchase. <BR>	-- Beryl…
3262 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you - the next time he's in need. <BR>	-- Chei…
3273 People will buy anything that's one to a customer. <BR>	-- Lewis' Law
3281 If you miss one issue of a magazine it will be the issue which contained the article, story or inst…
3282 The first bug to hit a clean windscreen lands directly in front your eyes. <BR>	-- Drew's Law
3285 The Traffic Light will turn green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. <BR>	-- McKee's…
3295 If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same e…
3298 You'll save yourself a lot of needless worry if you don't burn your bridges until you come to them.…
3300 There is no such thing as a straight line. <BR>	-- The Ruler Rule
3301 Never make a decision you can get someone else to make. <BR>	-- Pfeifer's Principle
3306 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented, it wasn't worth doing. <BR>	-- Mol…
3307 Whenever a superstar is traded to your favourite team, he fades. Whenever your team trades away a n…
3308 The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding. <BR>	-- Thom…
3311 If a situation requires undivided attention, it will occur simultaneously with a compelling distrac…
3315 Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later. <BR>	-- Witten's Law
3325 The one ingredient you make a special trip to the store to get will be the one your guest is allerg…
3326 Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to to save it only makes it worse. <BR>	-- Second Law of K…
3331 To make an enemy, do someone a favour. <BR>	-- McLaughry's Codicil
3335 Auditors always reject any expense claim with a bottom line divisible by 5 or 10. <BR>	-- O'Brien's…
3341 A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. <BR>	-- Patton's Law
3343 You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step in it. <BR>	-- Miller's Law
3347 The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present. <BR>	-- Shanahan's L…
3350 Never argue with a fool - people might not know the difference. <BR>	-- First Law of Debate
3352 When working towards the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. <BR>	-- Rul…
3357 When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you've finished with, you wil…
3358 If you do not understand a particular word in a piece of technical writing, ignore it. The piece wi…
3362 If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. <BR>	-- Schmidt's Law
3364 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. <BR>	-- Shaw's Princi…
3370 Everyone has a scheme that will not work. <BR>	-- Howe's Law
3372 After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat. <BR>	-- Martial Arts L…
3373 If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer. <BR>	-- …
3387 If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage wi…
3390 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy man - he will find an easier way to do it. <BR>	-- …
3396 It's a simple task to make things more complex, but a complex task to make them simple. <BR>	-- Mey…
3405 When the need arises, any tool closest to you becomes a hammer. <BR>	-- Bromberg's Law of Auto Repa…
3406 …ceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, t…
3409 The first bug to hit a clean windshield always lands directly in front of the driver's eyes. <BR>	-…
3411 Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can. <BR>	-- Zymurgy's …
3431 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing. <BR>	-- Cole's …
3432 A child will not spill on a dirty floor. <BR>	-- Skoff's Law
3437 If you make Duck a l'Orange you'll be complimented on the peas. <BR>	-- Law of the Kitchen
3442 How long a minute is depends on which side of the Toilet Door you're on. <BR>	-- Ballance's Law
3458 In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. <BR>	-- Collateral Corollary
3462 When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. <BR>	-- Kovac's Conundrum
3468 A four hour staff meeting rarely accomplishes anything that a ten minute slap fight can't. <BR>	-- …
3469 The trouble with most jobs is the resemblance to being in a sled dog team. No one gets a change of …
3470 If there is more than one way in which a system can operate, it will usually operate the wrong way.…
3472 …he experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be…
3473 …s composition or configuration, may be expected to perform, at any time, in a totally unexpected m…
3475 A flat file is not a list of apartments. <BR>	-- Euclid
3477 A committee is a body with 6 or more legs and no brain. <BR>	-- Lazarus' Lecture
3480 There is no such thing as a large whisky. <BR>	-- Rev. Mahaffy's Observation
3484 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternate courses of action, most people will cho…
3492 No experiment is ever a complete failure, it can always serve as a bad example. <BR>	-- Futility Fa…
3498 Quit when you're still behind. When you're in a hole, don't dig. <BR>	-- Salinger's Law
3499 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. <BR>	-- Finagle's Law
3503 Attila the Hun came from a broken home. <BR>	-- Andrew's Deduction
3509 Don't force it; get a larger hammer. <BR>	-- Anthony's Law of Force
3514 Never, ever, play leapfrog with a Unicorn!  <BR>	-- Feldstein's Law
3520 If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. <BR>	-- The Law of Volunteering
3523 A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. <BR>	-- Spike Milligan
3529 There's no such thing as a simple cache bug. <BR>	-- Rob Pike
3532 Sometimes when you fill a vacuum, it still sucks. <BR>	-- Rob Pike (on the X Window System)
3536 …dia, after a package containing a toothbrush sparked a bomb scare. You see why the crew was fright…
3538 A bachelor is like a new detergent, works fast and leaves no ring. <BR>	-- Terry Canterbury
3540 Bill Gates is a monocle and a Persian cat away from being the villain in a James Bond movie. <BR>	-…
3541 Did you know that if you play a Windows Vista CD backwards, you will hear the voice of Satan?  That…
3542 How could this be a problem in a country where we have Intel and Microsoft?  <BR>	-- Al Gore (on th…
3548 …a new kind of war which will run twice as slowly as the original, cost four times as much, stop fo…
3551 I was going to compile a list of innovations that could be attributed to Microsoft. Once I realized…
3553 Now if Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed.... Oh. He does!
3557 The first rule of any technology used in a business is that automation applied to an efficient oper…
3558 The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armor to lead all customers out of a…
3559 The nice thing about Windows is -- It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you pr…
3562 …a wheelbarrow. He operates without much self-awareness. He will know he is in need of repair when …
3563 There never was a chip, it is said, that Bill Gates couldn't slow down with a new batch of features…
3564 The WWW is exciting because Microsoft doesn't own it, and therefore, there's a tremendous amount of…
3565 …let with Internet access. You know why it's the first? Because nobody wants a toilet with Internet…
3568 We're obviously going to spend a lot in marketing because we think the product sells itself. <BR>	-…
3570 When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at you blankly and say "He…
3571 …extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded …
3572 Windows supports general-purpose non-Microsoft applications in the same way that a rope can be said…
3574 …ture isn't a return address, it's the ASCII equivalent of a black velvet clown painting. It's a re…
3576 If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a UNIX user to show you how it's done. <BR>	--…
3578 Unix? You can get a less powerful system, but it will cost you more.
3581 The irony is that Perl itself is a subset of UNIX features condensed into a quick-and-dirty scripti…
3584 UNIX gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple of more feet, just to be sure…
3585 UNIX is like a toll road on which you have to stop every 50 feet to pay another nickel. But hey! Yo…
3589 We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to develop a schedule for p…
3592 "I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."  <BR>…
3595 A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
3599 A drunk mans' words are a sober mans' thoughts.
3601 A gentleman is a patient wolf.
3603 A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl's complexion seem what it ain't.
3605 A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.
3606 A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
3609 A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
3611 A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.
3612 A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students
3613 A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.
3622 All work and no play, will make you a manager.
3625 An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
3627 Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
3636 Bald guys never have a bad hair day.
3644 Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on.
3653 Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
3659 Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
3661 Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
3662 Cult: It just means not enough people to make a minority.
3665 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
3666 Don't argue with a fool. The spectators can't tell the difference.
3672 Don't steal a police car unless you're prepared to floor it all the way to Mexico.
3675 Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch.
3676 Drive defensively - buy a tank.
3679 Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
3682 Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun.
3687 Even at a Mensa convention someone is the dumbest person in the room.
3688 Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
3694 Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
3695 Everyone is beautiful if you squint a bit.
3699 Excuse me, is there an airport nearby large enough for a private jet to land?
3700 F u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
3701 Failure is not an option - it's a lifestyle.
3707 For a good time, call (415) 642-9483.
3720 Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass.
3722 God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
3730 Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
3732 How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
3738 I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!
3741 I have a strong will but a weak won't.
3746 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
3748 I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
3749 I'd buy you a drink, but i'd be jealous of the straw.
3750 I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
3751 I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
3752 I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!
3754 If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.
3757 If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
3758 If a man tells a woman she's beautiful she'll overlook most of his other lies.
3763 If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
3765 If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
3767 If at first you don't succeed, try a shorter bungee.
3773 If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work 'gay'?
3781 If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
3782 If we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
3785 If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.
3787 If you can see this, you're not blind, which is a very good start.
3791 If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
3801 In a world without walls and fences who needs Windows and Gates?
3802 In the dark I hold your hand, because in the light you look like a man.
3806 It's better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you are a fool than to open it and remove…
3809 It's people that give drinking a bad name.
3811 Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
3821 Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.
3822 Life's a bleach and then you dye.
3825 Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage.
3826 Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
3828 Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
3832 Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
3833 Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.
3838 Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.
3841 Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level and then beat you with experience.
3842 Never buy a car you can't push.
3843 Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
3846 Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
3848 Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
3849 Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
3856 Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
3858 Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you're a cheese.
3861 One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
3865 Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!
3869 Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
3875 Save water - take a bath with your neighbor's daughter.
3878 Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.
3886 Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
3887 Spelling is a lossed art.
3891 Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
3893 Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
3895 The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
3898 The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost …
3906 The only job you start at the top is digging a hole.
3907 The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
3910 The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
3912 The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
3917 The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.
3923 There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
3925 There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
3932 This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget.
3933 Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
3942 Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
3945 Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
3948 Veni, vedi, visa. I came. I saw. I did a little shopping.
3966 When in doubt, poke it with a stick.
3975 While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
3981 With a rubber duck, you're never alone.
3986 Worry is a misuse of the imagination.
3987 Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere.
3988 You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
3989 You can observe a lot just by watching.
3991 You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
3992 You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
3994 You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
3995 You're driving a car. It isn't a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.
3999 When in doubt, get a bigger hammer.
4005 Seven Deadly Sins?  I thought it was a to-do list!
4015 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
4016 A pizza of radius z and thickness a has a volume of pi z z a
4024 "Hello," he lied. <BR>	--Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent
4026 An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. <BR>	--Spanish proverb
4028 Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. <BR>	--Don Vonada
4035 The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. <BR>	--Abbie Hoffman
4039 Discipline is always a means to an end, never an end in itself. <BR>	--King Crimson
4060 If you believe in strong AI, then death is no longer a mystery, but merely a lack of adequate backu…
4061 Sex among humans, as among most mammals, is accomplished with a certain amount of biting and scratc…
4065 Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. <BR>	--Dr. Warren Jackson, Dire…
4069 The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it like that of wrestling with a fine woman. <BR>	--…
4072 It's rare that you're presented with a knob whose only two positions are Make History and Flee Your…
4074 If you eat a live frog first thing in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for t…
4075 If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the plantation and go home. <BR>	--Eu…
4077 Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it sh…
4080 Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoo…
4085 Linux per se is not a specific set of ones and zeroes, but a self-organizing Net subculture. <BR>	-…
4087 Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your fo…
4088 Lockwood's Long Shot: The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't one in a mill…
4091 At a certain raw motivational level, my primary use of the voicemail system is to make the little r…
4092 Beneath this stone a virgin lies, For her life held no terrors. A virgin born, a virgin died: No hi…
4093 …ing mad Put his picture in the ad. If he still should prove refractory, add a picture of his facto…
4096 I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one…
4097 Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in…
4098 The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab…
4100 If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape at about 30 miles/second. <B…
4102 A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch dimension strictly exceeds the…
4106 The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise and apply Turing tests to …
4108 You must license the entire work, as a whole, under this License to anyone who comes into possessio…
4109 Unix... is not so much a product as it is a painstakingly compiled oral history of the hacker subcu…
4111 Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particul…
4113 A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him th…
4114 space opera: a subgenre of adventure SF where men are heroic, women are beautiful, monsters are mon…
4120 Now I don't know, but I been told In the heat of the sun a man died of cold. Keep on coming or stan…
4122 We'll be saying a big hello to all intelligent life forms everywhere... and to everyone else out th…
4126 What is a kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, poor quality inte…
4128 ...jacked into a custom cyberspace deck that projected his disembodied consciousness into the conse…
4132 …stood what OSes are, and why people use them, they could crush Microsoft in a year or two. <BR>	--…
4135 …p the paper, read the obits. If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. So I eat a good breakfast and g…
4137 …e believed that we'd have a black, female Secretary of State, much less one who was a conservative…
4139 If you think C++ is not overly complicated, just what is a protected abstract virtual base pure vir…
4142 Two arbitrageurs are walking down the street. "Look!" exclaims one. "There's a $100 bill lying on t…
4143 It was the kind of place where a state legislator could actually say, "If the English language was …
4144 … crazy. The question which divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being corr…
4146 …ing Tower of Pisa, or should we just let the damn thing fall over and build a tower that doesn't s…
4147 …st vi...and the maximalist emacs. I use emacs, which might be thought of as a thermonuclear word p…
4149 …amb or pork or lettuce or cucumber. I need it for my dreams. <BR>	--Racter (a program that sometim…
4150 …ll it tired him; and then he kept it in a pouch next his skin, till it galled him; and now usually…
4152 …ally small and smooth and round. This discovery, my dear fellow, will prove a timely aid to you in…
4153 Her mind is Tiffany twisted; She's got the Mercedes bends. She's got a lot of pretty, pretty boys T…
4154 Bill Clinton delivered eight years of peace and prosperity, and a highly entertaining sex scandal b…
4157 …rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question. <BR>	--Cha…
4160 …, I just like to think about it. 2. Be careful what you wish for... 3. Only a little 4. Some 5. A …
4161 …crat votes and 0 (that's zero, as in none at all) for the Democrans. That's a possible, but unlike…
4162 …a report of what someone said; like introduces a performance of it - a question of showing rather …
4163 …terial whether your Artist creates because of a liking for Deluxe Designer Universes or merely bec…
4164 … is often less than 100% reliable. Programming is labor-intensive and - for a variety of reasons -…
4165 …porated in a curious way, not into the fog of some new, obscure, or not yet understood reality con…
4166 …consume things. They are trying to turn a computer into an Internet Entertainment Platform, along …
4173 Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
4174 When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
4175 …a weak test for the success of participatory media - it's like tapping a mike and asking, "Is it o…
4176 The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet …
4178 What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
4179 There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.
4180 A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says "we don't allow Higgs Bosons in here". The Hi…
4182 …a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it…
4185 Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says "I'll have some H2O." The second says "I'll have…
4186 Two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides off first? The one with the lowest mew.
4187 How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.
4188 …cian's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks i…
4189 A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says "make me one with everything".
4192 Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses …
4196 A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
4197 I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
4202 I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
4203 They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.
4204 A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
4211 What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
4212 When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
4213 What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.